Breathing Through Ice
by The Dark Moor
Summary: She couldn't breathe. An iron band was squeezing around her throat and she couldn't breathe.


A/N: I'm back with another angst ridden one shot. One of these days I will write a multi-chap fic or a happy fic just to show you that I can. lol. For now though let the angst begin!

Warning: will contain some errors. Have proof-read it myself but no beta as of yet. Sorry in advance. Also this is slightly AU, possibly slightly OOC but I have tried to keep it in character. Remember that the amount of pain Kate would be feeling might change her actions a little. Dunno, anyway, no spoilers, no tags.  
><strong>WARNING: CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SUICIDE, SELF-HARM, AND THE DEATH OF A <em>MINOR<em> CHARACTER. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS WILL BE A PROBLEM.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any affiliated stuff. Castle and all affiliated stuff belongs to whoever it is that owns Castle.

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><p>The clock on the wall of the still hallway ticked over to two past one in the morning as the doors leading into the stairwell were pushed open. A wraith-like figure slipped through the now open entrance and padded out onto the carpet. Despite the long climb up the stairs her breaths were controlled and tight. Her features were blank, no expression leaking past the hardened walls of detachment.<p>

Upon reaching her door, cold hands fumbled for the keys and raised them up to the lock. The first sign of any emotion made itself known as she swore softly, hands shaking too bad to unlock the door. Stopping, she clenched her hands together to steady them then tried again. The bolt thudded softly home and she stepped into the dark threshold of her living room.

A thousand memories lay in wait for her to show some sign of life. With a soft click the door shut behind her, luminous pale skin the only visible part of her black clad body. From memory she made her way through the pitch black room to the kitchen.

Soft light crept in through the window from the street outside, bathing the counters in an ethereal glow. Shod feet silently made their way across the room and she paused by the cupboard. Vodka. No. She always swore no matter what she would never repeat the mistakes of her father. He wouldn't want that for her. She would respect his wishes but g-d it hurt so much.

Spinning around, a fist lashed out with lethal precision to smash the glass door to the cupboard above her head. Glass rained down on the floor, a spinning waterfall of fragmented heart piercing her soul. This couldn't be happening to her again. This time it was all her fault. He was after her. He wanted her. He had just been using him.

She was an orphan now. No mother. No father. Both murdered, one right in front of her, his eyes staring right into the depths of her mind. A tear slid unbidden from the corner of her eye. Furiously, she wiped it away, it had no place there. Crying was for the weak. For those who could not hack life and wanted everyone to know how bad it was. For those who could think of nothing better to do than cry. Crying showed people you hurt and they could use that against you. That was not her. An image of her rose before her, berating her.

"Why didn't you save me, Katie? I thought you loved me." A tear ran theatrically down his cheek.

"I'm sorry Dad, I didn't mean too. I tried, I do love you." Another tear skimmed over smooth skin and she backed away fearfully as his face twisted into a horrible scowl of fury.

"You are weak! You couldn't even save me, what makes you think you can protect strangers. You worthless, good for nothing wretch of a daughter! This is your fault. My death is your fault. Why did you kill me Kate? You may as well have held the knife yourself."

"No, Daddy. Please." The whispered whimpers seemed to have no effect as he loomed over her huddled form.

"You killed me Katherine. I am dead." Each word was delivered with a punctual finality that tore at her heart. His image faded from her view and a sob ripped through her body. She choked on the lump building in her throat. Her eyes widened as she gasped for breath then stopped trying for a moment.

Maybe it would be better this way. No. What about Castle? She was doomed to live in agony to prevent the pain of others. Desperately, she tried to draw another breath and couldn't. What she could see in the darkness through the sheen of tears blurring her vision started to fade and black spots danced macabrely on the edge of her vision. She couldn't breathe.

X

Richard Castle stepped out of the elevator onto the fifth floor of the apartment building that housed his partner. Walking down the carpeted hall he stopped outside her door and knocked firmly. This had not been a good day.

Jim Beckett, Kate's father had been kidnapped in an attempt to grab Kate. She had found him and burst in the door a moment too late. She stood there and watched as the man standing on the far side of the warehouse slit her father's throat. The bullet fired from the pistol in her hands had hit home with a spray of fine pink mist a moment later, but a moment too late to save him. She had just stood there unbelieving as men rushing into the warehouse around her.

He walked up to lead her away and grabbed her arm, spinning her around to face him. The sheer devastation in her eyes and blank look on her face shook him as he led her gently away to one of the waiting ambulances to be checked out. He sat her down and turned for just a moment in search of the EMT then she was gone. Disappeared. Vanished. He looked around in search of her familiar chestnut curls before he was called over by Ryan.

He had gone back down to the station to give his statement, having also seen Beckett's father fall and was finally out by ten o'clock due to the late hour at which the event had happened. The sun had been setting at the time; he remembered the fiery sky reflected in the empty void of Beckett's eyes which meant it had to have been after six.

First stop he had needed to get home to Alexis, wish her goodnight and reassure her that everything would be alright. She would have heard it on the news by now.

Stepping in the door to the loft, he had been greeted by the worried gaze of the red-headed beauty seated at the kitchen bench. Swiftly making his way over to her, he wrapped her in his arms and snuggled her against his chest. He murmured sweet nothings in her hair and waited for her to draw away. After a few minutes she had and after wiping away a few errant tears she had asked what had happened. He remembered sighing softly and looking up into her eyes.

"It's a long story, pumpkin. Let me grab a shower first and I'll tell you once I'm out. If you need it due to the late hour, you can have tomorrow off school." She had nodded softly and hugged him fiercely once more before letting him go.

He had walked into the bathroom adjoining his bedroom and took a long shower, the hot water slowly washing away some small pieces of what had happened down the drain. Stepping out into the white steam swirling through the small room he had dried, dressed and walked back out to the main living area.

Seeing his mother walking in the door, he invited her sit with them while he explained what had happened.

"Some men were after Kate in revenge for her putting them away and killing the younger brother of one of the members. They kidnapped her dad and told her that to save him she had to turn herself in. She wanted to but we made her see sense and wait to try and track them down. We found a lead and went in at about six this evening. She made it in the door and fired a moment too late. She had to watch as one of the men slit her father's throat. She disappeared when I turned around and I haven't seen her since. That's what I'm doing next."

He remembered the compassionate look his mother had sent him and the horrified look on Alexis's face. He had wrapped her in his arms again and just held her for a while before she had said that yes she would like to take the next school day off. He had just held her tighter then released her, pressing a soft kiss onto the top of her head. Standing, he had leaned down and pecked his mother's cheek before walking out the door, tossing a final goodbye over his shoulder.

Checking his watch he wondered how it had grown so late. Twelve thirty already. Racking his mind, he tried to think of where she would have gone. Choosing to drive himself instead of calling for a taxi, he made his way through the non-existent traffic to The Old Haunt. She might have stopped by for a drink. As she wasn't there he had climbed back into the car and driven straight to her apartment.

This found him at his current position waiting for his partner to open the door. He raised his fist to knock once more when he thought he heard something. Pressing his ear against the door he could just make out her soft cry of please. Backing up he slammed his foot into the door and ran through the apartment. Pulling up short at the sight of Kate choking for breath on the floor, glass surrounding her, smears of blood on a few of them where she had cut her hand.

He hurried over to her and crouched beside on the ground. Her eyes were closed and she struggled to draw another breath, terror starkly obvious on her face. Settling onto his knees he pulled her, face down, into his arms, stretching out her upper body to help her breath. Rubbing her back firmly and slowly he felt her relax against him and slowly her breathing evened out. He just kept murmuring nothings into her ear until her eyes slowly flickered open.

She could feel hands on her upper body. Suddenly she could feel some of the pressure fade from her chest and a soothingly rhythm start. Focusing on the feeling of the soft circles looping lazily around her back she tried to match her breaths to them. Slowly she became more aware, the feeling over lying over someone's knee, the gentle sound of a steady voice whispering in her ear. A voice she recognised. Whose was it? All she could think right now was that it meant she was safe. As long as the voice didn't leave she was safe.

Her mind worked sluggishly to take in her surroundings and return her body to something close to normal. With a sudden clarity she placed the voice. Castle. How did he get here? No, that didn't matter. All that mattered right now was that he was here. Flicking her eyes open, she turned her head to look up at him.

"Hey." His voice was soft.

"Hey." Her voice came out closer to as croak and she grimaced.

"Let's go fix you up, okay?"

She just nodded wearily and made no protest when he scooped her up into his arms, carrying her like a child into her room. He set her down on the bed and propped some pillows behind her so she was sitting up straight.

"I'll be right back. I'm just going to fetch some bandages from the bathroom cupboard to fix up your hand." She just watched him go.

He walked into the bathroom and stared at his shaking hands. Grabbing the first aid kit from the cupboard he walked back into the room. Wrapping the bandage gently around her hand he spoke once more.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really but I should." Kate acknowledged this fact with a sigh. Castle looked at her gently, his eyes encouraging her to continue. "I remember coming into the warehouse and firing my gun just as the man slit Dad's throat. He was staring right at me as he slumped down. The sparkle and light in his eyes just seemed to fade and all that remained was the fear. G-d Castle he was so scared. He knew he was going to die and there was nothing I could do to save him. I don't remember much after that, I know I drove around for a while then somehow I ended up at my apartment. I came in and I just couldn't turn on the lights. They were waiting for me. I could sense him waiting for me and," Her voice broke and Castle rested his hand over her own clammy one.

"Shhh," He soothed gently. She took a breath and started again.

"I couldn't bear to think of him. There was a photo on my coffee table of the two of us and the thought of never being able to see him again just overwhelmed me. I ran into the kitchen and stood there. I stopped by the cupboard, I wanted a drink but I always swore I would never do what he did. The pull of the drink and its mind-numbing ability was just too much for him after mum died and it took him over ten years to kick the habit. He wouldn't have wanted that for me. Then I just felt so mad at myself, it hurt so much and I hit the glass. I didn't even feel it. Just stood and watched as all the glass tumbled down. He was there then, looming over me. He asked why I didn't save him, didn't I love him? He was so mad, Castle, I couldn't stand it. He said I was weak and I killed him. I couldn't breathe and I was so scared. For a moment I thought it would be better if I just let go but I had to stay. I had to stay for you." She broke off abruptly and just sat there staring at the ground.

"Kate?" Castle called softly. The sight of the damaged woman beside him broke his heart and he gathered her up into his arms. Gently rocking her back and forth he stroked her hair like he did when Alexis was younger. Slowly she looked up at him. He could see the doubt and questions pooling in her mind and set about putting some of them down. "Firstly this was not your fault, Kate. Despite what I know you're thinking there was nothing more you could do to save him. Trading yourself in would just mean there would be two innocent bodies in that room instead of one. Secondly, I don't know where you found this idea about your being weak from but you're one of the strongest women I know. Crying doesn't make you weak. People in pain cry, not weak people. You amaze me every time I see you. Kate, your father loved you and you loved him. Bad men killed him and there was nothing you could do. Hear me? There was nothing anyone could have done."

"Castle." Her voice cracked and he summoned up his courage. As much as he wanted to kiss her and proclaim his undying love for her, that would be more than she could handle. Strong as she was, there was only so much one human being could take in such a short space of time.

"I know, Kate. Let's move you to bed, okay. I'll be here in the morning. Don't worry; I will never leave you, Kate. Not if I can help it."

Standing up with the exhausted detective cradled in his strong arms he walked through to her bedroom. Laying her gently on the bed, he removed her shoes, then her jacket and pulled the quilt over her.

"Sleep tight, Beckett." A mellifluous smile graced his face and he lay on top of the bed. Setting his alarm for early in the morning to make sure he was up before Beckett, he sighed.

What tomorrow would bring was unknown but he knew she would grieve and he would comfort her. She would begin to heal and he would be there every step of the way. And when she was ready he would kiss her again and tell her he loved her.

That was the future, for now she would sleep and he would be there to chase away her demons and protect her from the night.


End file.
